3 Tips To Re-Start Your Relationship Engine

If your relationship has grown old and stale it is all too easy to let the romance escape and become but a distant memory. The good news is that there are steps you can take to re-ignite the spark in your relationship, here’s the top three;

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Jump-starter 1: Communicate

How long has it been since you’ve spoken? Now take the time recording and forget it. How long has it been since you’ve spoken candidly about your needs, desires and fantasies?

Months? Years? Never?

Don’t start the conversation in the bedroom. Sit down over dinner and rewind to the start of your relationship. Relive the giddy, fleeting hand-holding days, where making love was honest and visceral. Tread carefully around old wounds and insecurities; explore their validity, recognise your failures together and move on.

Jump Starter 2: Trust

Trust is brittle, hard to earn and sorely missed. After communicating your needs and experimenting with erogenous zones, move on from the basics of boobs, butt, neck and balls into a brave new world of nerve endings and limits. Bondage is red letter word, traditionally sewn into an alternative culture and pedalled as dark, dangerous and degrading. While there are fringe aspects of the kink that can be harmful, bondage is primarily a trust exercise in submission and acceptance. Surrendering your body and impulses to the control of your partner is liberating, within the rule of course. Discussing safe words, limits, grey boundaries and play rules will test your communication skills. If you can’t agree on any of the above, step back to Jump Starter 1 and analyse any communication break-downs. If you’re ready to move forward, start small with beginner handcuffs or rope, progressing as your comfort and trust levels build.

Jump Starter 3: Fantasy

On the hierarchy of titillation, your brain is the dominant sex organ. Without psychological and emotional stimuli, physical sex is something to do to pass the time, scratch an itch and satisfy any biological urge on the horizon. Seduction and intimacy embrace the mechanics of physicality and saturate the brain in feel-good chemicals, climaxing in heightened arousal, sensitivity and anticipation.

Communication, Trust and Fantasies are essential components to keep your relationship in good repair.

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How to Adjust to being Newly Single after a Break-up

I remember when I first broke up with my long-term boyfriend. Everything fell to pieces, disintegrating at the delicate touch of five simple words, heavy with meaning and subtext.  I can’t do this anymore. Of course, they weren’t uttered once; it’s the twenty-first century after all. The rolling script of a text message punctured my lungs and for the next few hours I couldn’t breathe. There was no light at the end of the tunnel; he knew that, his actions or digital machinations indicated a gulf between us, despite occupying the same space, friends, city…everything. It was all drenched in him and me.

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So how did I make the switch between self-loathing to happily single? Was it easy? Is there a formula? A self-help book I preferred or a conversation I had to have? No. It was time; time and self-reflection. Periods of hating myself, hating him, hating life and then slowly learning to love it again. On my terms and only for myself. Here’s some tips on how to adjust to your new single status:

Don’t Be Afraid

Suspicion might override reasoning for a time, injecting an unhealthy dose of fear into every conversation you have. The down-talk, the I-am-horribly-ugly-and-undesirable-why-are-you-talking-to-me mentality many of us poison ourselves with. Try to stop. Replace these gaps in your head with something positive. You’ve gained agency, more time for you, the ability to surrender yourself to fresh experiences and environments. You have so much to offer the world, from your smile to the way you can link words together, calculate impossible figures, extract information or understand difficult people with empathy and patience. Don’t let the fear he or she instilled diminish you. You are becoming a better version of the extraordinary person you already were. And the other half? Pfft.

No Contact

It might be tempting to carry on the relationship in some form, whether you’re bed buddies or platonic friends, at least in theory. Don’t. Now, I do think it’s possible to be friends with an ex on a civil level, but if they’ve broken that trust and badly damaged your self-esteem, they don’t deserve your company. Don’t hand them the platter of torture instruments, because they will manipulate you the first moment it suits them. Cut them off. Even if you don’t know anyone else. Especially if you know nobody else; it’s evident they’re holding you back.

Losing Everything Can Be The Best Thing That Ever Happened to You

It’s often when our lives change so dramatically, we discover who we really are, uncovering personality traits and streams of strength we didn’t know we had. There is no additional exposition required. All you need is yourself, icecream, the Game of Thrones series and a couple of mildly interested friends to ear-bash (stay away from I-Can-Fix-It friends, your emotions and self-worth isn’t a machine, it can’t be fixed, only sutured and healed with time).

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